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ennui

Yesterday seemed to be a day of unrequited love, sadness over loves lost or never been. I love someone, but it isn’t carnal love. Just a sweet young man who needs a friend. We bonded when we met. I see him as a younger brother, a friend, another lost soul just like me.

I think we (I) get confused when I use the word love…it immediately responses to sexual love, being in love, instead of a deep (the deepest) human emotion one can feel toward another. I find myself constantly trying to justify this feeling, even the use of the word is perverse and makes me a tad nauseous. But we’re gay and gay people equate love with fucking and that’s not what I’m feeling.

My friend is sad and lost right now, he’s 21; I’m sad and lost right now and I’m 70. All I can see is humans sharing an emotion. In all truth I cried a lot last night waiting for sleep. I can’t fix him, I can’t fix me. We’re trapped, for the moment, in circumstance. I had a friend, he looked at me and said, “I love you.” Pretty words if he’d meant it. I asked “what do you mean?” He said, “why must we define our love?” No wonder I’m confused. I said to him, “I’m in love with you,” and he nearly exploded. That would have made it real, I’d have gotten too, too close. I was his satellite, orbiting around his narcissism.

I see the confusion. Maybe everyone is right and I’m just fucked up in the head, chasing dreams. Doesn’t everyone?

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6 thoughts on “ennui

  1. Surely I do not need to remind you that this life offers us every opportunity to love in it’s myriad forms. Love need only be defined when sexual attraction becomes part of the equation. But there are so many other forms of love that can be shared by two individuals, yes even two gay men of a multigeneration gap.

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